(Still) Finding Myself

This is pretty much stream-of-consciousness. Please don’t expect much.

It’s become somewhat of a joke, the idea of taking time off to find oneself, an excuse not to go to school or get a job. I wasn’t able to take any time off to do it, but I think the idea is sound. But I don’t think the process ends. I think a person should be constantly striving to know himself or herself better, so he or she can be the best person possible, and that process lasts until death.

I grew up in the Church of Christ, and although my parents never discouraged me from thinking for myself, I never did. It was a lot easier to go with the flow. I went to a CoC school and church, and my friends were CoC and my family was CoC and we all agreed on the important things and life was good.

But life wasn’t good.

I’ve suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. I realized that for someone who was supposed to be alive in Christ, I was awfully miserable. I was also becoming more and more uncomfortable with my passive role in my faith. I never intended to leave the faith, or even Christianity. My goal was to become so sure of my own faith that I could successfully defend it. What happened is that I realized I didn’t know myself at all; I only knew that what I thought was Christ either wasn’t Christ, or that Christ wasn’t enough to overcome what was wrong with me. (I later had a couple of major manic episodes and realized that lithium is what it takes to overcome what’s wrong with me. )

I’ve also been an extremely sensitive, sympathetic person for as long as I can remember. I found it harder and harder to accept that the God we called “loving” and “just” could reject people who had never heard of him, or who hadn’t correctly followed a book written in dynamic languages and compiled and translated by fallible humans. And why would he make some people so inclined toward behavior that made either him or them unhappy?

Only very recently have I begun to see glimmers of things I might like about myself. Only recently have I begun not to constantly (and I do mean constantly) worry about what every single other person was thinking and just be myself. This didn’t happen until I decided that people weren’t sinful or bad or wrong because they were Muslim or gay or atheist or single parents or…lots of other things.

Not all Christians are blind followers. Not all are hypocrites. Not all are judgmental. But I was, and now I’m not. And I didn’t like myself, and now I’m starting to. I like that I’ve gone from being a hypocritical, judgmental, blind follower to being someone who is accepting and open-minded and tries to practice what she preaches. And I plan to keep bettering myself. And I find it highly illogical that the real God–whoever or whatever it is–would have a problem with that.

My Opinions: The Speed Dating Version. Also With More Cursing!

I’m writing this at work, but will post at home where WordPress isn’t blocked. Since I’m at work, I’m crankier than usual (if you can imagine). And kind of mean. And very long-winded. Just a warning.

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I don’t care about Miss California’s views on gay marriage. She has the absolute right to her views, and the right to express them publicly if given that platform. I find her irritating for other reasons. First, she talks like a barely-coherent, 15-year-old valley girl. Like, you know? (“My country”? “I think I believe”? Really?) A big part of being a representative of anything is to be able to communicate well, and she does not. Surprisingly, this doesn’t seem to bother many people. Of course, many people abuse apostrophes and aren’t even smart enough to take advantage of spellcheck, so maybe the value of any form of communication–other than big fake boobs and generic Christian terminology–is declining.

I find the fake boobs irritating. I don’t mind that they’re fake (much) and I don’t care who paid for them; I mind that they look fake. Seriously, you could drive a semi in the space between those things. Either cough up for something more realistic looking, or just let it go.

Finally, and mostly, I am aggravated by the total hypocrisy that is becoming so normal for many of those who claim to be Christians. God doesn’t mind you being topless, but hell awaits two consenting adults who want to spend their lives together? And this bullshit about how she’s a model and was looking for lingerie modeling work and sometimes models wear lingerie just annoys the hell out of me. The Bible says women should dress modestly. Do you get a pass because you’re a model? How stupid do you think Americans are? Oh, wait…it’s working for you. That’s not scary at all. Also, email has proven that you lied about when the pictures were taken. But who cares about lies? You’re pretty and blond and you’re working for Jesus by combating the gay. Free pass to Heaven, folks.

She should be removed for the pictures, period. She would not be the first, and as none of the others were being persecuted for being Biblically Correct, it wouldn’t have been the case for her either. I’m not remotely surprised by Trump’s decision to keep her, though. He has evidenced in the past his soft spot for manipulative blonds with big boobs.

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“My uncle’s cousin’s neighbor’s dog has been to Iraq, and he doesn’t have a problem with waterboarding (or other EITs).” Really? Well, perhaps you should discuss it with John McCain, who seems to think it’s torturous, not to mention unethical, immoral, and causes more harm than good. Of course, he was only a POW for five years, so his opinions should totally be taken with a grain of salt. And Dick Cheney says…

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Why the hell are we still being subjected to Dick Cheney’s insane rantings? Have you noticed how silent Bush is being about everything? Have you noticed that the one thing he has said is that he won’t criticize President Obama because Obama “deserves my silence”? That’s classy. I’d advise Cheney to take note, but he has made it abundantly clear for the past eight years that class is utterly beyond him. The world makes fun of Bush for being an uncouth cowboy, but he’s a prince compared to Cheney.

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Speaking of waterboarding, when is Sean Hannity going to let Keith Olbermann put his money where Sean’s mouth is? (And if he could put his fist where Sean’s mouth is, I wouldn’t call it a bad thing. Don’t ever let anyone tell you liberals hate all violence.) Olbermann better be planning to donate to charity on his own, because I have my doubts Hannity is going to man up.

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An Open Letter to President Obama:

Timothy Geithner. Really? After the whole Daschle debacle, you thought Timothy Geithner was the way to go? Interesting.

Otherwise, man, I’m proud of you. You’re still all kinds of awesome, just like I expected when I voted for you. I appreciate you doing so much that you said you’d do, and doing it quickly–and I know this is only the beginning. Thank you.

Timothy Geithner? Really? OK, sorry.

Sincerely,

JustThisGirl

PS I mean no disrespect, truly, but you and your wife are undoubtedly the hottest First Couple in the history of this great nation. John and Jackie were hard to beat, but by god, you did it.

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Why is it “we” when Navy SEALs save a ship from pirates, but “I didn’t know about this” when planes fly over NY for a photo shoot? I don’t know, let me think…maybe because nobody can know every single tiny thing that goes on, and while the President likely isn’t going to be informed about a photo shoot, he probably will be informed about pirates attacking a US ship. I’m sorry, let me reintroduce you. Conservative nitwits: logic. Logic: conservative nitwits. Besides, the man has already claimed more responsibility in five months than Bush did in two years. (He’s on track to beat former President Clinton, as well.) That said…

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Who the HELL thought that photo shoot was a good idea? Seriously, how did SO MANY people hear/read about flying Air Force One in and around NYC landscape and think, “Oh, this is fine, nothing wrong here”? I know an entire governmental department that should be given thorough mental health evaluations. About the only thing I’ve ever heard that’s dumber than this is a woman who filed a complaint against a gynecologist because he asked her to remove her pants for a pelvic exam. These people are wandering around unfettered, but I have to spend hundreds of dollars a month on medication. This seems unbalanced, somehow… (Get it? Unbalanced? See what I did there? :p)

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Among the arguments that were given in favor of a complete face transplant for Connie Culp are that she wanted to be able to eat normally, breathe normally, and not be called names on the street. I cannot comprehend the level of douchiness that a person would have to embody not to support the transplant, but let’s pretend that there’s some basis for that opinion and ignore it for the time being. Let’s focus on that last thing: she didn’t want to be called names on the street.

As a person who has experienced that myself (although undoubtedly to a lesser degree than has Mrs. Culp), I just have one thing to say: What is wrong with people? I think that for people who are, say, seven or over (and not mentally challenged), pointing and laughing at someone for something like that should result in sniper fire from surrounding building tops. (Those snipers can also nab people who don’t return their carts in the parking lot. I weigh 8000 pounds and am so tired from an underactive thyroid that I can’t always even manage to take off my clothes at night, and even I return my cart to the corral.)

Also, have you read much about this face transplant? This woman is freaking amazing. If my husband shot me in the face at close range, I highly doubt I would be as gracious as she is. Also, I would probably shoot his genitals at close range. Different strokes.

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Facebook, stop changing things. I’m seriously, dude.*

*This is a South Park quote; I didn’t suddenly lapse into Carrie Prejean–speak.

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Elizabeth Edwards, how dare you write a book/not hold your husband accountable/blame the other woman/let him run for President knowing what you knew (even though you’d hardly had a chance to process it yourself before he made his announcement)? Those of us who have never been terminally ill with a cheating spouse while in the national eye are very disappointed in your behavior, and we are confident we could do better, even though it’s none of our goddamn business and we should either be supportive or shut the hell up.

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I know I should be grateful that I have a job. And I am grateful for my paycheck, really. But I don’t know how much longer it will be before I snap. And even then, it might not be at work. Maybe it will be at my boyfriend’s mother. Maybe it will be at the next person in front of me at Wal-Mart or Kroger who is rude to the cashier. Maybe it will be at the bra digging into my skin even as I type. Who knows what the future holds?

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Random funny exchange:

Me: I don’t get this hoopla over Michelle’s sleeveless top in her first White House photos. Jackie O wore sleeveless for hers, too.

Kristi: Yes, JustThisGirl, but her arms were white.

And I fell silent, because how are you gonna argue with that logic?

Update

I haven’t posted much lately, here or on my other blog, because frankly, it’s just too much effort. I’ve been taking my medication regularly for a longer period of time than ever before, and I must say, I love the results. It’s amazing what they can do with drugs these days. I just go along, and I don’t panic, and I’m not too sad, and I’m not too happy. Really, I’m just marking time until I die, (which time I hope is sooner rather than later), but I’m OK with that, thanks to the drugs. I used to tell people this was no way to live, but then I experienced it, and it’s one hell of a lot better than the only alternative I’ve known.

I am working on an entry, though, that touches on my thoughts about the major events of the past month or so. I’ll post it eventually.

It Comes and Goes

I think I feel a mixed episode coming on. My thoughts are racing, I’m barely sleeping yet not that tired–but I’m absurdly depressed. Bipolar is actually a very depressing disease. Even when treated perfectly, 75% of patients will continue to have episodes, and there is no cure. Not being able to control your own mind is frightening and depressing.

I really just wanted to complain. That’s all.

More Than You Wanted To Know About Me

I find myself more and more irritated, as time goes by, at people who make assumptions about fat people. Yes, I do eat too much. No, I do not exercise enough. Yes, I could change both of these things. But there’s more to it than so many people want to see. As I can only speak for myself, I will.

1. It’s all a matter of willpower. Uh, not exactly. Partially, for sure. I have both bipolar and severe anxiety disorder. I have panic attacks so severe that I can find myself in another room on the floor in the fetal position and not remember how I got there. The majority of people with bipolar disorder self-medicate. Some use street drugs; some use alcohol. I use food. It is not a choice I made deliberately, and it is something I’m working on overcoming. But it’s more than a matter of just sucking it up and doing it, and it doesn’t just happen.
2. I laugh when I see fat people going through the drive-thru when they could just go inside and get their food faster. I use the drive-thru because when I go inside, I have to face an entire room full of people I don’t know, and it scares the hell out of me. If walking somewhere were the way to avoid that, I’d walk.
3. All you have to do is eat right and exercise. True. And there have never been studies that show that it’s much cheaper to eat high-fat, high-carb foods. And I’ve never been run off a trail by a truck while walking because the men driving were under the impression that I need to “run off that ass.” I’ve also never had food thrown at me while I was walking because I “must be hungry after not eating for five minutes.” I’ve never had a complete stranger in Wal-Mart tell me that I should stick to low-fat ice cream when I had a pair of socks in my hand and wasn’t looking at ice cream. And none of these things caused me such distress that I felt I could only be comforted by ice cream or pizza or nachos.
4. It’s just willpower; it has nothing to do with a slow metabolism or any other illness. Wrong again. First, check out these articles: http://tinyurl.com/6j4vyq and http://tinyurl.com/6perzt. Secondly, several months ago I went to the doctor for extreme exhaustion and major weight gain, even for me. I told him that it was more than just “fat woman” exhaustion, and since my doctor is not a judgemental asshole, he ran some tests. Turns out, I have an extremely underactive thyroid. If my levels had been the slightest bit lower, he would have had to hospitalize me. Hypothyroidism can cause dry skin, exhaustion, depression, and–read carefully now–drastic weight gain.
5. Gluttony is a sin. So is lusting after someone to whom you are not married. So is lying. So is making fun of people. So is storing up treasure on earth. So is judging others. So is–wait a minute. I don’t give a fuck. I’m not a Christian.

And now I’m tired of defending myself against stereotypes, even though I doubt I changed anyone’s mind because people who think that way can’t ever be changed, and even though there are about a zillion more stereotypes out there.  I just wanted to vent, and as I have put it so eloquently before: It’s my blog and I want to so nyah!

It’s Britney, Bitch!

Maybe nobody reading this particular blog will care, but it’s my blog and I care so nyah! Anyway…

Britney is SO FREAKING BACK. Girlfriend looks good, sounds good, and isn’t running over toes and sporting hideous weaves. I missed her.

In all seriousness, I really like Britney. I always have, but as utterly stupid as it is given our drastically different walks of life, I feel sort of closer to her now. I mean, before my bipolar was under control I did all sorts of crazy things. I was just lucky enough not to have half the paparazzi in the world following my every move. (And btw, I hate the argument that she knew what she was getting into. She knew she was going to become a celebrity. I highly doubt she knew she was going to develop a debilitating mental illness. Besides, I don’t think it’s right for them to be stalking celebrities everywhere anyway, even if it is expected. We pay them to act, dance, sing, etc. They don’t owe us their lives, too. But that’s for another post.)

So anyway, go get the new CD. (Why yes, I am stuck in the 90’s and I do still purchase CDs at the store.) It’s awesome.